Miranda Has Been Diagnosed With An Incurable Illness

Normally by this time in the week we would have done our JMC LIVE show, and even had our weekly vlog posted. However, the past 2 weeks have been some of the hardest days we have faced all year so far.

Last week I went to the doctor for the 3rd time in 6 months because I keep having a very bad staph infection that keeps popping up on my body. They are giant sores that cover both sides of my body, my armpits, stomach and now they have come up on my breasts. The doctors have diagnosed me as a carrier of STAPH and there is no cure for these sores. Other than putting me on extremely strong antibiotics that so far only gets rid of the sores for 2 months. Then they come back and I am put on another round of antibiotics.

We have tried conventional and non-conventional medical remedies to try and heal me from this STAPH infection. But, we have not succeeded the sores have now come back 5 times in less than a year. My body is covered with scars from the sores that look like small to large bruises all over my body. It is horrific to look in the mirror at myself and most of the time I just burst into tears. Jeremy keeps telling me that he thinks I'm beautiful and he doesn't care about the scars. But it is very hard to deal with and even writing this now I am crying. So clearly doing a video blog about all of this would be close to impossible.

What makes this even more horrible is that the STAPH is contagious. So I have to limit visiting people/being visited by people. The antibiotics also make it where I cannot be outside in the sun and so I am inside all day until sundown when Jeremy and i take a walk down our little road just so that I can be outside for a little bit everyday. Aside from the antibiotics I have to wash 3 times a week with this extreme antibiotic soap called "hepa-cleanse" which is the soap that surgeons scrub down with before they do surgeries to kill all the bacteria good and bad on their hands and where they will be touching the patient. This is what I wash my sores with. It literally dries my skin out and makes me smell like a hospital. This also does not help other than to keep the sores from getting worse.

Our fears are that sooner or later due to having to constantly be on these antibiotics. That my body will begin to become immune to the medicine and that the STAPH will not go away. If this happens the STAPH will continue to spread to the rest of my body and I could even die. What do you do when the doctor looks at you and says, "there is no cure for what you have"?

Honestly you start to fall into a depression and begin to lose all hope.

On top of having this incurable illness, 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Over the past 13 years of my life I have been stalked by a guy who threatened to kill me. Had a nervous breakdown at the age of 17 because of this. Then 2 years later, married a man who turned out to be a monster who beat me, raped me, and held me prisoner for 6 months before he would let me go and get a divorce from him. Worked in Nursing Homes where I was nearly raped twice by a patient. Abused physically by patients and mentally abused by some of the nurses I had to work with. Cleaned up dead bodies and even helped put them in body bags. Then on November 22, 2008 had another breakdown at the age of 27.

I am haunted by flashbacks, black outs, and night terrors where I relive all the abuse and trauma I have been through over and over again sometimes for days on end in my sleep. Which in turn makes my body feel like I have not had any sleep at all. Some of these night terrors are so bad that I scream out in my sleep and Jeremy has to hold me and shake me awake out of the night terror.

Just this week for example, Jeremy left to go to college and for 2 and a half hours I sat in a chair rocking and don't remember how I got to the chair. Had no idea that I had sat there 2 and a half hours until Jeremy came home. I lost 2 and a half hours of my day and have no idea what happened. The only thing I remember was that I was thinking about being a little girl laying out on the grass looking up at the sky at the clouds and finding different shapes and animals in the clouds.

I have been in counseling for almost 2 years seeing a counselor and psychiatrist. I have made much progress in 2 years but I still have a long way to go. I keep fighting and taking it day by day that is really all I can do.

Through it all we have continued to have faith in God and continue to pray for guidance and understanding through these trials. We have a support system when things become unbearable to help Jeremy and I.

We go to church every time we can and are in contact every week with some of the people from our church to keep them updated on my condition.

The STAPH is incurable and they say the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder could be incurable. But we just keep praying that God will have mercy on me and touch my body and heal it. Because with out his mercy and grace we have no hope. His Grace and Mercy is sometimes all that keeps me going.

I will admit that in the past 2 years I have attempted suicide 2 times. But after they changed my medication I have not attempted it anymore. The doctors found out the medicine they put me on was making me worse rather than better. Thankfully the suicide attempts were not successful and I am still here.

Then while all of this is going on with me, Jeremy is a full time college student trying to get a degree in Computer Science and continuing with JMC Ministries. I help when I can but mostly as most of you see I am working behind the scenes of our Ministry and Jeremy is in the forefront taking care of everything else. Including the social media sites, emails, telephone calls etc.

It is very hard on Jeremy and almost everyday he cries because he is so broken seeing me so sick all the time day in and day out. He will just hold me and say "I want my cuddlebug to be better." And that just breaks my heart to see him cry. We love each other so much and this sickness has taken such a toll on our relationship at times to be completely transparent. Even our pastor told us that most couples would have already separated and gotten a divorce in today's society.

To be honest if we tried to deal with my sickness on our own we would have already been divorced. But we are leaning upon the Lord for Strength to help us and that is the truly the only reason we have made it this far and have no thought of separating EVER.

The only thing that I can say to end this weeks blog is that God Said, "My Grace Is Sufficient" Please pray for Jeremy and I as we face my illnesses and continue to do our ministry in the face of these adversities.